On the back of every bottle of wine there is an admonisher: GOVERNMENT WARNING: (1) According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects, (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.
It’s a little-known fact that a number of alternative warnings were proposed, but the government rejected them all for various reasons. I was able to dig up a few:
WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages may cause pregnancy, but women who wouldn’t mind being pregnant are encouraged to try it.
WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages may give you the illusion that people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think ex-lovers are dying for you to call them at 4 a.m.
WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages may cause you to repeatedly tell your friends you love them.
WARNING: The government is here to help and has the situation under control.
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