In Defense of the Cougar

An overworked waiter slaps menus on the table and scurries away. Four of us are bar-hopping on a girls’ night out; we’re famished and a little cranky after an hour-long wait for a table at Javier’s Cantina & Grill in Newport Coast. Our server’s abrupt treatment doesn’t help. My flamboyant friend Gina opens her menu and lets out a frustrated squeak as she tries to focus on the tiny type.

Across the table, a vivacious Sherry asks, “Can you read it? I forgot to bring glasses.” Gina throws her head back in a laugh. “We don’t need glasses; we need young guys.” She pauses. “You’re only as old as the man you’re sleeping with.”

We laugh in unison. Of the four of us at the table—all single and over 45—three date younger men. Gina recently broke off a relationship with a man 16 years younger; Sherry has been dating a man 25 years her junior for nearly a year; I occasionally date younger men of varying ages.

Honestly, it has advantages far superior to eliminating the need for reading glasses. 

The term “cougar” has been used to describe middle-aged women who date younger men, but as far as I’m concerned, “wily fox” is more appropriate. A partial list of advantages: Many young guys look great; they’re not threatened by a woman’s success; they’re attentive and caring; they’re not bogged down with ex-wives and children; they like to have fun; they’re adventurous. 

Men have been playing the May-December game for years and few have looked askance. Nobody cares that Clint Eastwood is 78 and wife Dina Ruiz Eastwood is 35 years younger; or that Michael Douglas is 64 and Catherine Zeta-Jones is only 39; or that 66-year-old Harrison Ford is 22 years older than longtime squeeze Calista Flockhart. 

But when a woman takes the lead in the same kind of passion play, the world titters. What’s wrong with this picture? 

“Years ago, women were burned as witches; some things never change,” says Valerie Gibson, author of the 2002 book “Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men.”

Gibson, a five-times-divorced redhead who formerly wrote a sex and relationship column for the Toronto Sun, travels the talk-show circuit discussing her book and the benefits of the cougar lifestyle. 

“The world is horrified by a woman who is strong sexually. It’s the last taboo,” says Gibson, who works hard to ensure her body is lithe and her attitude sexy and playful. “As soon as we get to a certain age—say 50-plus—society decrees that we should disappear into a closet somewhere, our hair should turn gray, and we should spend our time knitting booties.” 

Gibson is cagey about her age, but not about the term “cougar,” which she says she likes because the animal is strong, beautiful, and in control of its environment. Although she says she coined the term, some say it was first used in a Canadian hockey team locker room to describe female groupies. But everyone agrees Gibson’s the one who popularized the label, and she defends the American cougar with passion.

“We’re strong, we look great, and we’re in control of our sexual lives. We decide who to date. The mantra of a cougar is: ‘Don’t call me; I’ll call you.’ ” And in Gibson’s case, the call won’t be to an older man. “Older men like servants; I’m not a servant.”

The same day I talk with Gibson I embark on a hunt for Orange County’s notable cougar dens. My first stop is Spaghettini Grill & Jazz Club in Seal Beach, where the bar offers a Cougar Cosmo, a pleasing concoction of Belvedere Vodka, Grand Marnier, lime, and passion fruit juice (natch). The vibe is good, the crowd lively, and the music sinewy. I raise the subject of cougars with a couple of regulars in their early 50s. 

“I hate that term,” says Cynthia, an attractive woman who looks at least 15 years younger than her chronological age. She raises her voice to speak over a wailing sax. “It has a negative connotation.”

But the topic also elicits some quick, enthusiastic comments. Why do they like younger men? I ask. 

“Because they’re cute to look at up close,” says Que, a statuesque, strawberry-blond dentist dressed in a tight red sweater. 

“Because they smell good,” says Cynthia, a slightly built DJ wearing a brown vamp top. 

“Because you’re in control of the situation,” says Que.

“Because they have stamina,” Cynthia adds with a laugh.

The next evening, a Friday, I wade into a noisy crowd at Gulfstream in Newport Beach. Crab cakes and blackened sea bass are flying out of the kitchen. I like the warm, happy scene here. A young crowd is ensconced at wooden tables out on the sand patio. I move back inside, where the patrons seem to be of more diverse ages. I search for a place to sit, then notice three 40-plus women at a cocktail table near a window. I approach and open a conversation about cougars. Although they find younger men attractive and have plenty to say about women their age, they don’t like the term either. But the concept?

“Women in their 40s are awesome,” says Nancy, a well-dressed brunette in a business suit.  “We have it together: We have our own money, we know what we want, we’re sexy.” She speaks graphically about the pluses of having sex with younger men. Suffice to say, her themes included endurance and playfulness.

Sandra Klein, an Orange County psychologist whose practice includes clients involved in age-gap relationships, sees it as an equality issue: “Men have been connecting with younger women for years, now women are trying it on. And many can afford to do so. A woman of means can tell her husband to pack sand if she doesn’t like what he’s doing. She doesn’t feel bound by tradition the way earlier generations did.” 

And the trend has affected the types of clients who make their way to the Newport Beach office of cosmetic surgeon Terry Dubrow. “I’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of fortysomething women doing early nip/tucks because they’re dating younger men,” Dubrow says.

In the past, he says, most of his patients having a lower face-lift were 55 or older. “Now I see women 43 to 50 who tell me they’re dating a thirtysomething guy and they want to feel better about themselves.” Another surprise: “The younger men who pick them up from post-op are very nice guys, supportive, and doting. And the women control the relationship.”

Whatever the dynamics of the connection, May-December pairings are a growing phenomenon. A number of Web sites designed to help young men and older women connect. To test the waters, I signed up my dog Darby (neglecting to mention his gender or species, or furnish a photo) on one such site and immediately got four responses from men in my hometown looking for a date. Here’s one of the e-mails: “I’m new to this site and looking to fulfill a fantasy. You see I’ve always wanted to get with someone more experienced than me. Also, you live real close. If you’re interested let me know.”

One of the oldest sites, www.urbancougar.com, was founded by former Newport Beach resident Jeremy Mape and a friend in 2003. It gets about 50,000 to 60,000 visitors a month, says Mape, who calls Orange County a hotbed of cougar activity. “Only Scottsdale [Ariz.] may exceed it.”

What’s driving all this? Part of it is a change among men. Says Mape: “Older women love the freedom they find with a younger man; they love his spontaneity and the way he reminds them of their youth. Younger men like the stability they find with an older woman. Younger women are too confused; there’s too much drama in the relationship.”

His Web site refers to young men as “cubs”; to young wannabe women as “cougars-in-training,” or CITs; to married women as “domesticated cougars”; and tries to screen out harshly judgmental terms such as “battle cats” for aging cougars and “kittens” for young women who pursue older men.  

Later in the week, I continue my search for cougar habitats and chat up a waiter at Code, a new club near John Wayne Airport. At 30, Irvine resident Eric Leversen wasn’t even born when Anne Bancroft’s Mrs. Robinson seduced Dustin Hoffman’s Ben in the 1967 film “The Graduate.” But Leversen is much more sophisticated than the awkward Ben. He has dated women as old as 48. (“She looked 32.”) He likes them because “they’re secure in who they are. I’m looking for a good time and so are they. Maybe at one time it would have seemed slutty. But not anymore. The double standard is going away.”

Leversen, who frequents cougar bars, says he’s amazed at how good some of the older women look. “They must be at the gym nonstop. They have better bodies than younger women.” 

It’s Friday night at 3-Thirty-3 Waterfront in Newport Beach. The parking lot is jammed. I spend 20 minutes in a queue outside, then shoulder my way through a crowd of about 150 imbibers crammed around the sleek bar, finally finding a few inches of space. The bayside restaurant boasts a great view, but not at this time of night. The partiers wedged against me aren’t tourists; they’re locals looking for a good time. And they appear to be finding it. 

I spot two flashy blond women, mid-40s, seated at the bar. I can’t overhear the conversation, but a balding, paunchy man in his 50s is trying to get their attention. They ignore him. Repeatedly. Then a tall, younger hunk casually slides his shoulder between them at the bar and offers a wide smile to the woman on the left. They talk a few minutes and she moves away with him, disappearing into the crowd. I silently wish them luck.

Cougars in History
Eleanor of Aquitaine
Eleanor (1122-1204) was one of 12th-century Europe’s most powerful women. She was the queen consort of both Louis VII of France and Henry II of England, 

This article originally appeared in the February 2009 issue.