Hanging Chads

How to Discourage a Freeway Free Swinger

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During my daily commute, I see a lot of pick-up trucks with plastic testicles dangling from the trailer hitch. Can you recommend an appropriate in situ response to the drivers of those vehicles?

Those pendulous accessories (sold under a variety of brand names, including TruckNutz, BikerBallz, Monster Nuts, and Bulls Balls) may be the most unappealing product ever produced by the automotive aftermarket, which—just to remind you—also brought us the mirror-hung pine-scented deodorizer. The logical response is to pullalongside and suggest: “Hey sport, 2003 called and wants its trend back.” Personally, Mr. Manners reaches into the glovebox for his 14-inch stainless-steel Burdizzo Castrator, a tool employed mostly on cattle ranches. It looks like a heavy-gauge ice tong, and it’s visually ambiguous enough that it’ll take your free-swinging freeway friend a moment to recognize its purpose as you wave the tool out the window. But when he suddenly goes pale and pulls off to the shoulder … priceless!

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